On Loss, Grief, and New Life

Into the Fire

I live in Southern Oregon, in the area where, a few days ago, two towns burned to the ground in one of three wildfires that surround our beautiful valley. It's worse, even, than the fires we had in 2018. Or 2002. And those were dreadful.The loss and grief is really beyond description. We are still sequestered inside, the smoke a toxic effluvia that is too dangerous and choking to brave for more than a couple of minutes to let the poor dogs go outside.

But here's the thing: I still have a home. My gratitude is as big as my grief. And so I've been wondering what to say, what to share that might offer a bit of hope, a hand to hold if you, like me, are feeling sad and overwhlemed and at a loss. I can say, let yourself cry, because this horror merits tears. I can say, do something tangible, however small, to help someone less fortunate. (The opportunities are mind-boggling. You could start here.)

Out of the Ashes

As it happens, my new book was born today — yes, today — in the midst of the smoke and ashes. It's a sort of Phoenix (also the name of one of the towns that burned), rising from the rubble. Since I don't believe in coincidence, I am assuming the timing of my book's birth with this overarching grief that everyone on the West Coast is feeling (and maybe the Southeast, and the whole danged world right now) is meaningful. So the more I thought about it, the more it seemed appropriate and important to share my new arrival, not so much in celebration, but as an offering. It's not the birth announcement I imagined making, but here it is.

The book is about the importance and value of grief. It is both self-help and a manifesto for the power of grief to transform your life — and the world — in profound and positive ways. While it is targeted to those who have lost a loved one, the principles and practices I outline are equally applicable to any loss and all grief.

The following is an interview I did recently for my local paper, the Jacksonville Review, about my baby — whose name, by the way, is Grief Girl's Guide: How to Grieve, Why You Should, and What's In It for You, or Grief Girl for short. GG, even shorter.

Grief Girl's Guide

What inspired you to write this book?

My clients were my initial inspiration. I was sharing the same ideas over and over and I thought, “Wouldn’t it be great if I put all this in a book?” because it was clear that some basic wisdom around loss and grief had somehow been lost in our culture. This cultural deficit became a larger inspiration. Grief has a bad rap in this country. People are very uncomfortable and fearful with it. No one knows what to do or say, and that’s a direct result of our society’s penchant for labeling everything that’s emotionally complex or difficult as “bad” and therefore unnecessary. It’s not. Grief is absolutely necessary and it’s good. Grief Girl shows you why.

You’ve written two other books about grief: how did you choose grief as a central topic of your work?

I didn’t choose grief as much as grief chose me. I had a lot of early and profound experiences with grief. Those struggles, combined with my study of psychology and spirituality, led me rather naturally to talking not just about loss but the opportunity to transform through trauma. Initially, I tried to run away from grief. I didn’t want to be “Grief Girl.” But once I saw that it wasn’t just about grief but about transformation, everything shifted. Grief Girl isn’t sad: she’s empowered. The pain we embrace becomes our strength. 

What are the central themes of Grief Girl?

There are really two themes. The first is that grief is not something to be avoided or feared. Grief is the flipside of love. It is a normal, healthy expression of loss. The second theme is that there’s more to grief than getting through it. Grief connects us to our hearts, to others, and to the transcendent, however you conceive of that. It’s what makes us the kind of people that can make a true and positive difference. It can lead you to your purpose. It is a catalyst for compassionate action in the world. It’s huge. 

How does your book differ from other books on grief?

Grief Girl is unique in two big ways. The first is its tone and presentation. There are many books on grief that talk about the stages of grief or come from a religious point of view. I wanted to offer something fresh: something very down-to-earth, personal and inviting. Grief Girl is intimate, relaxed and conversational. I share my own experiences. I normalize grief and help readers through the dark and difficult process by offering very practical guidance. But the most important difference is the emphasis throughout the book that your grief will take you somewhere new and positive. It’s not just about getting through the pain: it’s about what awaits you on the other side.

Who is this book for? Is it only for those who have lost a loved one?

Absolutely not! Grief comes from all sorts of loss: divorce, illness, trauma, retirement, empty nest, moving, a major injury. While I’m primarily addressing the experience of physical death, the principles and possibilities in the book apply to any loss.For example, there is so much loss and grief being generated right now with the pandemic, with the socio-political traumas going on, with natural disasters. Unfortunately, people aren’t recognizing or responding to the grief this is generating: Instead, they’re slipping into fear and anger. 

What is your hope for this book?

My biggest hope is that this book will help change the way people think about grief. I hope it will lift the fear and shame and empower readers to embrace their grief, knowing that it will not only help them to heal, but that it will lead to a bigger, deeper, more meaningful life. I also hope Oprah will read it, love it, and ask me on Super Soul Sunday.