Finding Trust: Director’s Cut
Well, it’s been a month.
I finally did what I’ve been talking about doing and bought the business class ticket to Italy. Amazing, right? I mean, tell anyone that you’re off to Italy to walk the Tuscan hills with your favorite poet-philosopher and then fláneur your way around Florence and Umbria for three weeks and the universal reaction is vicarious delirium. And while it is amazing, it also provoked some unexpected resistance. Yes, it really did. My world and welcome to it.
My trip-planning was quickly and insidiously engulfed by a tsunami of anxiety. I found myself getting snagged in every little detail—analysis paralysis of the worst order. Insomnia hit. The brow knit. It took me a minute A) to recognize what was happening, and B) to dog-paddle my way out.
The thing is, even something as seemingly wonderful as an Italian holiday can stir old fears. This wasn’t initially a conscious thing: it was a spontaneous unconscious swelling that provoked a panic to control all the variables: control the unknown, control for disappointment, for loss. And holy cow, can I control.
Reflecting this morning after coming out of my fugue state, I thought about a piece I wrote twelve years ago titled, “Finding Trust,” which referenced the wonderful movie, Finding Nemo. The movie is about an anxious Clownfish father (Marlin) who goes on an epic search for his lost son with the help of an absent-minded Angelfish (Dory). Finding themselves in the precarious position of having been swallowed by a whale, they must decide whether to let go of the whale’s tongue and allow themselves to be blown out the blowhole or be swallowed. Marlin is petrified; both options are terrifying. As they hang onto the whale’s tongue, they have the following exchange:
Dory: “It's time to let go! Everything's going to be all right!”
Marlin: “How do you know something bad isn’t gonna happen?”
Dory: “I don’t!”
And there it is. We don’t know. And what we do with that not-knowing is all-important. Trusting in Life—letting go—doesn’t mean you won’t feel afraid or be uncomfortable, or even get hurt; it simply means that despite these things, you know that you will be okay. You will be okay because the trust is not in what might or might not happen: the trust is that you are okay whatever happens. You will be okay because the okay-ness is inside of you. You have the ability, the resources, the wisdom and above all, the power of love to navigate it all.
Joy and growth come from having the courage to let go, and letting go means trusting your heart, trusting your intuition, and trusting that no matter what happens, you will be fine. Letting go—be it of fear, unhealthy relationship, worn-out beliefs, or the need for approval—frees you. It opens you to greater possibilities. Trusting and letting go propels you out of the whale’s throat and into a bigger, better life.
“In the end” (I wrote), “Marlin does decide to let go and is blown sky-high out of the whale, coming down exactly where he needs to be. In the process, he has an incredible adventure, finds strengths he didn't know he had, makes new friends, faces his fears, has fun, and finds the treasure he is seeking.”
You know, it’s ironic just how often I refer to my own writing for reminders and guidance. I read my own words and think, “Wow, I wrote that!? That’s so wise!” And sometimes I am wise. Other times my human frailties overwhelm me. That’s how it is: our ego and our higher self in a never-ending dance. The best thing you can do is to give yourself some grace, take a breath, and then … let go.
I’m thinking of tattooing that on my arm, to keep it in my awareness. Somehow, though, I think I may not need the reminder once I’m walking the Tuscan countryside, or enjoying an Aperol Spritz at an outdoor café somewhere in Umbria. I’ll let you know. But no matter what, I’m going to venture out of this particular whale, face my fears, find new strengths, make new friends, have an incredible adventure and maybe even find some unexpected treasure.
A presto—
(You can follow my adventures on Instagram to see what happens.) @kateingram.coach)
