The Protector
Pop Quiz:
Do you have a tendency to any of the following?
Procrastination
Perfectionism
Proving Yourself
People Pleasing
Passive Behaviors
Paralysis
If you answered none of the above, you are either A) not being very honest with yourself, or B) you are a highly evolved being who has come to this planet to help us save ourselves and I thank you. If, however, you identify with one or two of the behaviors listed above, I have something to share which may both surprise and intrigue you.
These “Six P’s” are not bad habits or character defects or even personality traits. They are actually highly sophisticated protective mechanisms whose primary purpose is to protect you from being hurt.
Here’s how it works.
We all have a very clever, subtle and active inner “Protector” whose sole r’aison d’être is to keep us safe from emotional pain. It does this by relating past painful experiences to current situations; if it detects a risk of a familiar hurt, it will employ a defensive strategy to keep us from that risk. Those defensive strategies are the Six P’s: procrastination, proving, pleasing, passivity, paralysis and perfectionism.
The Six P’s are designed to keep us safe from the possible pain of rejection, judgment, disappointment, failure, conflict or loss. When we go through something painful, the mind takes note: “If I please mummy/daddy, I get approval, but if I don’t please them, they withdraw approval.” This experience internalizes a fear of rejection. Later, in adult life, you may be a people pleaser or prover or perfectionist in order to avoid the pain of rejection.
I saw my own protector emerge recently as I was preparing to speak at a conference. In the weeks leading up to the event, I noticed myself procrastinating, something I normally never do. My anxiety ramped up and I wondered what the heck my problem was. Poking around a bit, I realized what was happening: an alarm had been activated around “performing” in front of an audience. A memory surfaced of being ridiculed and judged by a particularly mean girl way back in elementary school. That event was humiliating and painful, and my protector did not forget. It was trying to help me, although in actuality, it was doing anything but.
It’s a natural and important function of the human brain to protect us from pain, be it physical or emotional; survival means we need to learn and adapt. Unfortunately, when it comes to emotional pain, our protective strategies are often maladaptive—even destructive. The Protector, while well-meaning, tends to be over-zealous. It can wind up keeping us from the very things we want and need: love, joy, success, and belonging. It can hem us in and dampen our spirit, encouraging us either to “play small” or “do it all.” It keeps us from believing in, trusting, valuing and loving ourselves.
The good news is that all it takes is a little awareness and a bit of courage to begin to soften the protective armor. Self-Belief Coaching is a fabulous way to begin to shift the narrative that keeps you from success, love, and possibility. It provides tools and insight to help you break out of limiting beliefs and patterns and to get unstuck, all while increasing your self-compassion and quieting that inner critic, reducing those Six P’s to two, much better ones: Peace and Possibility.
Maybe it’s time to to take the wheel of your own life and let the protector take the back seat. There’s a bigger, braver life waiting just ahead.
KATE INGRAM, MA, is a counselor, coach, award-winning author and recovering perfectionist. She specializes in counseling to navigate loss, grief, and major life transitions, and Self-Belief Coaching to get unstuck and create a bigger, more meaningful and fulfilling life. Find out more at kintsugicoaching.com or email kate@kintsugicoaching.com.
