Endings, Middles, & Beginnings
I’ve been sharing a lot in recent posts about some personal transitions I’m experiencing, but I’m keenly aware that we are all going through major cultural, political, economic and social transitions, writ large. There’s a whole lot of shakin’ going on these days.
Given this, it’s amazing to me how the impact of these transitions—both personal and global—is not really fully acknowledged. So often someone shares a story with me about a difficult experience they are going through and then apologizes for being emotional or even sharing it at all. Invariably, their story involves a loss and transition of some kind, but they (a) don’t recognize it as such, and/or (b) are minimizing its importance. So when I say, “That’s a lot that you’re going through,” they look relieved. It’s almost as though they need permission to feel what they’re feeling.
It can come as a surprise to many people that loss (and the ensuing grief and transition process it precipitates) isn’t reserved only for losing a person that you love: Any loss can trigger grief and all loss initiates transition. And there are so many kinds of loss! The Big Three (aka “The Three Ds”) are death, divorce and disease, but there are many others. For example:
cronic illness (yours or a loved ones)
career
moving
identity
purpose
childhood (due to difficult circumstances, dysfunction, abuse, or trauma)
miscarriage/abortion/infertility
break-up (romantic or platonic)
aging
a dream
a physical ability/body part
Because it’s so disorienting and distressing, we often try to leap directly to the new beginning or even begin something new before we’ve ended the old. These are both terrible ideas, however, because the fallow period is, by definition, a fertile time out. It’s the time when we learn, assimilate, make meaning, recalibrate, and become someone new. It’s where and when we become the person we need to be for the new beginning that awaits us. When we skip the middle part of a transition, we tend to repeat the patterns of the past, rather than grow from them. Equally problematic, we drag whatever is unfinished into our so-called new beginning. No bueno.
Which brings me back to loss. Loss is an ending that signals a time of transition. Mourning is the process of the fallow period in that transition. If we allow ourselves the grace and time to experience our loss and grief without minimizing, medicating, avoiding, rushing, or resisting them, we will inevitably arrive at a beginning in a bigger, better, wiser iteration of ourselves. Guaranteed.
If you’re currently experiencing a transition of some kind, I encourage you to honor it by recognizing it as the important event that it is, and to allow yourself the valuable time of rest that will lead you into your new beginning. And because none of us are meant to go it alone, it’s helpful to engage guidance and support for this process. Counseling can help you to navigate the grieving process and the fallow in-between time, and coaching (especially kintsugi style!) is an excellent way to learn how to reassemble your life in a way that honors your past while creating your future.
Be kind to yourselves and to each other. We’re in this together. 🍁🧡
KATE INGRAM, MA, CSBC, is a life transitions counselor, coach and award-winning author of Grief Girl’s Guide: How to Grieve, Why You Should, and What’s In It for You, available at Rebel Heart Books in Jacksonville or on Amazon. To learn more or to schedule an appointment, go to kintsugicoaching.com or write kate@kintsugicoaching.com.
